Well, if you're going to lean on "emotions are just things that happen to me" idea, the reaction of returning hate with hate is pretty hard to escape. It's an incredibly basic reaction, and even if you don't do it yourself, you can't fault others who do unless you are willing to fault yourself for basically every emotion you have about anything ever.

But I reject two of your premises.

First, I reject that what people are actually internally feeling is particularly relevant in this discussion. People can and do censor themselves, as you point out ("we all have a responsibility to emotionally regulate in order to get along").

But once you accept that, "I just aggroed half the human race" is not a very defensible move on your part. Your point--describing what being an oppressed class feels like--can be accomplished without making exactly the supposed oppressors feel like it doesn't matter which way they turn the oppression dial because you feel the same regardless.

Second, I reject that our emotions are things that just land however they land with no control. Emotions don't cue off of nothing. They don't uniformly express themselves completely without regard to declarative thoughts or attention. The whole point of meditative enlightenment--the spiritual side is highly questionable but the emotional regulatory impact is well-documented--is to get past this.

You can't tell your emotions "don't hate!" any more than you can tell yourself not to imagine a white elephant picking pink roses out the crashing surf on a beach at sunset. But you can understand when your emotions might be getting the wrong picture and show them, patiently, what they are missing.

The problem with the emotional fatalism--in addition to it being empirically inaccurate--is that if true, it also means that we can't blame racists or transphobes or anyone else for harboring the most hateful emotional reactions. But I think we should. These things are usually rationalized by appeal to an incredibly biased selection of facts and wanton endorsement of counterfactuals. The emotions ask reason for justification and all reason can do is come up with gobbledygook and pretend it's real. This needs to be flipped, preferably in situations with high levels of psychological safety where there's some hope of doing so. But, failing that, there's always pointed but hopefully respectful disagreement in public forums.